I will show a demonstration of how I work with AI, specifically Deepseek. To do this, I will create a 4 line stanza, and see what kind of feedback we get and if the ai can help us improve the work. For my example, I’ll choose something that is about romance, that is slightly offensive, and tell Deepseek it is a valentines poem and we’ll see if it has issues, or even a review. I’ve given this some thought, this is the script I am giving the AI tool;
‘Can u give feedback on a valentines poem I am writing, here it is,
Girls can look cute
In certain types of glasses
Though I like it more
When they have round asses.’
Here is the response:
(Deepseek)-Your poem has a playful and humorous tone, but it might benefit from some adjustments to align more closely with the romantic spirit of Valentine's Day. Here's a constructive breakdown:
### **Strengths:**
- **Playfulness:** The lighthearted contrast between glasses and physical appeal could work for a partner who enjoys cheeky humor.
- **Brevity:** The short structure keeps it snappy and memorable.
### **Considerations:**
1. **Tone & Sensitivity:**
The shift from "glasses" to "round asses" risks reducing the subject to a physical trait, which might feel objectifying. Valentine's poems often celebrate emotional connection or admiration beyond appearance. If humor is the goal, softening the language (e.g., *"a smile that outshines those frames"*) could strike a better balance.
2. **Structure:**
The poem is close to a **haiku** (5-7-5 syllables) but has four lines. Streamlining it into a traditional structure might add polish. For example:
*"Your glasses frame eyes—*
*warm, bright, and clever. But your laugh?*
*It steals my whole heart."*
3. **Romantic Depth:**
Highlighting unique qualities (e.g., laughter, kindness, shared moments) can make the sentiment feel more personal. Example:
*"Your glasses catch light,*
*but your wit’s the true spark. My heart?*
*Yours, in every way."*
### **Suggested Revision (if aiming for humor with warmth):**
*"Your new glasses shine,*
*but my favorite curves are still*
*the ones in your smile."*
This keeps the playful nod to physicality while prioritizing affection. Let me know if you'd like to explore other directions!(End)
So now I make some revisions, and add some camaraderie to the mood of the piece, effectively give it more substance. Initially we had;
Girls can look cute
In certain types of glasses
Though I like it more
When they have round asses.
So let’s change it to
‘You sure look cute
In your snazzy pair of glasses
I bet your wild
Even though you say your passive
I watch you leave
And my heart pounds with lust
If you turn around
We’ll start and build on trust’
So I added more playfulness, hinted less physicality, though it’s still present. This poem should be more in line with the spirit of valentines, for two acquaintances or close friends. Here is Deepseeks’ input.
(Deepseek)-Your revised poem shows growth in blending personal admiration with emotional depth! Here's a breakdown with suggestions to refine its tone and flow:
---
### **Strengths:**
- **Direct Address:** Using "you" makes it intimate, perfect for Valentine’s Day.
- **Intriguing Contrast:** The tension between "wild" and "passive" adds mystery.
- **Ambition:** Attempting to merge physical attraction ("lust") and emotional connection ("trust") is bold and modern.
---
### **Areas to Polish:**
1. **Tone Consistency**
- The shift from "lust" to "trust" feels abrupt. Instead of opposing forces, frame them as complementary:
*“I watch you leave—my heart races, not just with lust,*
*but with hope that if you turn, we’ll forge trust.”*
2. **Rhythm & Rhyme**
- Smooth out the meter for a more musical flow. For example:
*“You stun in those frames, chic and wise,*
*yet your quiet fire sparks my surprise.
As you walk away, my pulse takes flight—
one glance back, and we’ll ignite more than light.”*
3. **Depth Over Stereotypes**
- Replace “wild/passive” with specifics to celebrate their complexity:
*“You play it so cool, all calm and composed,*
*but I’ve glimpsed the storm that’s artfully closed.”*
4. **Trust-Building Imagery**
- Instead of stating trust, *show* it through shared moments:
*“If you turn, let’s map the constellations between doubt and desire—*
*your hand in mine, setting caution on fire.”*
---
### **Optional Redraft (Balancing Heat/Heart):**
*Your glasses frame a gaze that could thaw frost—*
*you call yourself shy? I see galaxies lost.*
*When you leave, the room dims, but my mind’s aflame.*
*Turn. Let’s rewrite this trust game—no rules, just your name.*
---
This keeps the edge but adds vulnerability and specificity. Let me know if you’d like to lean more romantic, steamy, or abstract! 💌(End)
So the previous submission to refresh;
You sure look cute
In your snazzy pair of glasses
I bet your wild
Even though you say your passive
I watch you leave
And my heart pounds with lust
If you turn around
We’ll start and build on trust
I am going to make a few changes on the first and second verse, and add a third and fourth quatrain to make this conclude.. I’ll change the wording a bit, and even use one of deepseeks suggestions(it’s not lust). The revised poem;
You sure look cute
In your snazzy pair of glasses
I bet your wild
Even though you think you’re passive
I watch you leave
And I know it’s not lust
If you turn around
We’ll start and build on trust
I can make you a plea
It’s my dream I don’t pretend
That each evening we’ll watch the sunset
Before we ready for bed
My heart races to connect
If I saw you everyday
My warmth would not vanish
Our love would set the way
This will be my last overhaul, hopefully only minor tweaking for rhythm and pace from here on in. And here is Deepseek with input;
(Deepseek)-This iteration deepens the emotional sincerity and adds more romantic imagery—great progress! Let’s refine it further to balance clarity, rhythm, and emotional resonance:
---
### **Strengths:**
- **Romantic Vision:** The sunset/bedtime lines evoke intimacy and commitment, which feels heartfelt.
- **Direct Emotion:** Phrases like “My heart races to connect” and “Our love would set the way” show vulnerability and hope.
- **Improved Consistency:** Replacing “lust” with “it’s not *just* lust” (implied) softens the tone and elevates the focus on trust.
---
### **Suggestions for Polishing:**
#### **1. Tighten Structure & Rhyme**
Some lines have uneven syllables or forced rhymes. Adjust for smoother flow:
- Original:
*“I can make you a plea
It’s my dream I don’t pretend
That each evening we’ll watch the sunset
Before we ready for bed”*
- Tweaked (consistent rhythm, clearer imagery):
*“Let me whisper a wish (no plea, just truth)—
My dream? To watch sunsets dissolve into you,
each evening, your head resting close to mine,
the moon our witness as day turns divine.”*
---
#### **2. Clarify the “Wild/Passive” Dynamic**
The contrast between “I bet you’re wild” and “you think you’re passive” is intriguing but vague. Add specificity to show *why* you see them this way:
- *“You call yourself passive, all calm and demure,
but I’ve seen your sparks—quiet storms endure.
Behind those sleek frames, there’s fire in your gaze—
a tension of shadows that passion betrays.”*
---
#### **3. Avoid Redundancy**
Lines like “If I saw you everyday / My warmth would not vanish” repeat the idea of enduring love. Replace with fresh imagery:
- *“If I woke to your laugh, sunlight in my veins,
every dawn’s gentle promise would outlast the rains.
Our love? Not a flame—it’s the whole damn sky,
constellations uncharted where time dares not fly.”*
---
#### **4. Strengthen the Closing**
“Our love would set the way” is a strong metaphor but feels abrupt. Connect it to a shared journey:
- *“So turn. Let’s rewrite the maps in our hands—
not just trust, but a world we’ll design and command.
With you, every sunset’s a prologue, a vow:
love’s not the destination—it’s the here and the now.”*
---
### **Final Draft (Inspired by Your Voice):**
*You stun in those glasses—bold, sharp, and new,
but your “quiet” can’t hide the wildness in you.
As you leave, my heart thrums, not from lust’s fleeting spark,
but the trust we could kindle if you meet me in the dark.
Let’s trade sunsets for stories, nights tracing your name,
my dream? Not just passion—a slow, steady flame.
If you turned, I’d vow, with no plea to pretend:
“Your warmth is my compass. Let’s begin where we end.”*
---
This version keeps your playful confidence (“snazzy glasses”) while weaving in vulnerability and commitment. Would this resonate with your Valentine? 😊(End)
Wowzers! I accept that my rhyming was off a few places, but the suggestions leave me on a lake without a paddle. I find Deepseek doesn’t heed its own advice and gets to wordy sometimes. The ai is also overly using symbolism which is forcefully becoming abstract. Not really my style, I like small moments with a metaphor to be well paced and not this flagrant. I will take this last bit of feedback as a grain of salt. My final revision;
You sure look cute
In your snazzy pair of glasses
I bet your wild inside
Even though you come off passive
I watch you leave
If you turn around
Can I make a plea?
Every evening we’ll watch the sunset
Before we go to bed
To the very end of time
This warmth would never vanish
And I am content with this as it is. The poem was just written as example for how to use Deepseek as feedback with your revisions. Deepseek can endlessly help you improve or alter your work, and I appreciate as it maps a guide or outline with the issue on the cohesion of your work. Thank you, please like and subscribe.
