Feeling the rain

There had been a period of at least five years where I had kept my feelings on the inside regarding the college hate crime I suffered, and that was after being insulted and discarded by friends, who all thought I was overly complaining and mentally deranged.  I became afraid to speak about it, and while thinking about it continuously, I kept my emotions aside from everyone and stopped socializing with all the people that reminded me of the event.  I wanted to clear my head up.  I wanted to leave and come back with a measured distance to all these so called friends, explaining my core feelings, and what had upset me.  I was baffled and hurt, altogether becoming suicidal as to having to live and deal with a conspiracy out of college theatre, one people obviously deny to this day.

Though perspectively, they always touch base with me on the subject every time it comes up, as I am typified as always complaining about the same thing.  Nothing happened they say interruptively.  Nothing happened.  Though I am left with this notion of a tree falling in a forest, and I am wondering how I’ve come to learn of it. After hearing them speak, and being left with their opinion of my disconnected cognition, I knew they were assertively the problem.   I finally opened up to a friend of mine in 2012, though I was still terribly confused.  I felt no relief as to why I was still symptomatically suffering from severe stress, so many years after the conspiracy I hypothesize took place, and I was still just as upset about the betrayal I felt from the college acquaintances.  Does time move forward?  I am left with a police statement that it has been too long, and everybody might have moved on.  Might have..  Do I feel relief gauging my life into the unknown future considering my past?  No, I do not.

I take a certain fact into account; the accusation that I committed a terrible crime which never becomes specified.  In reality, I was told that I must atone for who I have upset.  Vaguely as it is introduced, I come closer to an understanding of what the meaning was behind my forced exit from theatre in this issue.

I was there.  I heard it.  I upset someone or some group.  And this was before I rejected their blame and stole money from them.  It's cause enough, that certain people within the educative structure are making money from student acting, that it would only be fair to contravene that the money was mine and rightly earned!  To this day, certain social figures are still slandering my name based on this account of theft, claiming I had taken advantage of a charitable organization.  There are too many issues that come back to me from the past.  There are too many people who are upset or hateful towards me for my actions that had occurred out of controversy.

If you sit down and sort this out, the way I have, whether I am right or wrong about my theories; you can expect that society has an issue with me.  If I am delusional, and spinning webs that misconstrue reality while tarnishing reputations with my literary assault, is there any relief in disregarding my cognition?  There shouldn't be.  People continually revert back to me to find understanding with a large social event, that(like it or not) is about me.  Maybe not listen to me?

Yes. I stole money. Yes. I last proved myself a poor actor. No. I am unaware that I had committed a crime, and no, I was never told as to why I was disallowed from performing in theatre.  These segmented sentences create a thought process for me, that validates a timeline of depression in my life.  I feel as though something greatly impactful and detrimental may have happened outside of my perception, and it is this event that people are using to vindictively disregard my cognition.  If it were a big enough lie, would it not make me crazy?

I feel as though people are too ambitious in asserting my lack of performance, and that they are advantage seeking when they make claim of my stressed nature and unenergetic state, as being disposed of for defunct or unintelligent thought process.

Prejudice

When enough people hate an individual, it can cause that person to experience loneliness. It's a science of cause and effect, of course taking into consideration the details of personality, psychology, and the disposition towards their environment when it happens. Alienation is the only due estimation here. As it occurs, feelings of insecurity(lack of confidence), anxiety issues, and poor overall performance(as a persons' well being is socially benchmarked). The powers of the social imagination work in favor of the antagonists or hateful group, as they talk and express their annoyances regarding the individual, capitalizing on his absence. They share their philosophies on how to deal with him, and the power of their idea to rise against the individual, leads him voiceless in this society. It is apparent that the only people who have identified with him, have also agreed to ignore him, badger him, and lie to him. People are ruled by the laws of irony, and some will assert that the man is a source of grievance and despair on his own. Some members of the group will find a conclusion to their emotional stress with him by agitating or causing him to suffer. This sort of aggression is called prejudice. They cannot inflict physical pain on the alien as that will cause police reaction and this will lead to a greater inconvenience than it would have if they had ignored him. By 'ignoring' him they feel more dominant and superior(they will also adamantly state that they have done nothing to the individual in any way or form). Though they have actually exiled a stranger who faces the worst sort of punishment, people willing him to suffer. (To more clearly explain how the individual or alien is 'ignored', in the circumstance that he would ask a question or pose an issue with someone, he is undermined and treated as a nuisance for wasting time). Because of this crime that society has acted out against the individual, every observable inconvenience the man suffers is now a pivotal daunting step towards 'the fall of a man', which becomes a lesson in the source of tragedy's occurrence.

The unknown

In the event that I am not allowed to be acting, strictly given that this is because the school dislikes me, and we are aware that we got this far because they are jealous of me; what happens, hypothetically, if I were to ignore this and act anyways.   This is where it went, I stood up for my right to act, and the dean turned it against me; she said if you act poorly you will face escalated consequence. Again, this factor of the vague escalation, only attributes itself with the original consequence I was told I would suffer(apart from being disallowed to act) which is an unknown.   When a dean misleads a man(student) to believe he has committed a crime, and that he will suffer from dealing with a criminal record for the rest of his life, without going so far as to say why, or what the crime is, we can only speculate as to why the man feels threatened or believes her, considering the amount of doubt anyone would raise in having heard this story. This is where influence is held to be the power in motion. Causing someone to believe in something that is not true depends on a variety of factors; such as the victims predisposition to his already existing beliefs, the intelligence or acting power of the perpetrator, effects of drugs ingested, or the factor of luck or timing(though luck is an x-file). What is the unknown and what can be understood by questioning it? The unknown could be having to buy Maggie lunch for an entire week, or being disallowed from carrying a hockey stick on or around school property. There is for certain, the variable of the unknown. When a man is disallowed from doing something for reasons being purely that he is disliked, the element of jealousy is introduced as the motive, this is a universal. Why oppress a person, and disallow them from engaging in said action if inequality is not the point of conflict. All forms of jealousy originate from the point of conflict as being an inequality. I.e. She thinks it's unfair that Veronica goes on three dates a week. Adults can definitely be considered irrational due to their feelings of inequality in all factors of day to day life; when an issue of inequality occurs from the sense of purity of the self(non selfish corruption), we can then determine the act(s) as an injustice. Which is a type of inequality that is very different from jealousy. Having said that jealousy is responsible for why this unknown consequence is to be delivered, and that people are influencing the man to believe he should be worried about the unknown, leaves the evidential consideration that intimidation is at play. What can this unknown be that people are intimidating the man with, or influencing him to be worried about? Again, to strike the note of envy, they dislike a man given an inequality exists, and they want him to worry. That these people can't provide reason for their feeling of inequality, though I have hinted as to what this is, suggests that corruption rests behind their attempt at intimidation, and not buying the man a Mazda. For an escalation to occur beyond disallowing the man from acting, for reasons understood by the man to be an unknown, and that they will escalate into an unknown, again we ask why is he worried? Are these people serious about their attempts with intimidation, and is it clear that they are feeding off his fear; what could they possibly be implying with the man when they warn him regarding his actions.